The Older Man, Part 2

This is Part 2 to the story of T and I. Link to the previous post about him is in the following text:

August 2010

After my night at my college’s Spring Formal (doesn’t that sound so high school?), I was now 3000+ miles away from Los Angeles, the place that I called my new home. Staying in New York with my parents for the summer was really weird at first and annoying at times, but it was cool.

Five days into my summer break; I was just hanging out at home with my family and my dog, when I got a text.

From him. T and I hadn’t spoken since our formal event and we ended our contact with a 3 text conversation of him celebrating my safe arrival back home.

This text ironically blossomed into a really good conversation; it was actually really random. It was basically the question game- but a lot “classier”. There was no “are you a virgin?” questions, no “do you give head?” questions; it was light and simple. It all began with “Do you like sushi?”.

I had never bothered to tell my parents or friends about him- there was no need to, and I definitely wasn’t about to start now. When they asked me who I was always texting, I always told them “It’s just a friend.” They never pushed it, but that didn’t stop my dad from teasing me about not having a boyfriend.

Throughout the summer, we stayed in touch sporadically. He was working crazy hours, and I was ruining my life with online courses, because apparently we have no lives. Many of our conversations probably started because we were bored- waiting in line, stuck in traffic, waiting for our deli; some arbitrary reason to pull out our phones and text “someone”. Some of our conversations turned sexual, but I guess for the most part we tried to stay away from it. But it never really worked, we always had something to say about the topic- and trust me, it went on for hours. I felt comfortable enough to talk to him and tell him things that I would normally save for a boyfriend or close friend. Our conversations hit every spectrum. But we didn’t discuss our sexual pasts; it wasn’t necessary. We weren’t trying to date each other, but our texts definitely got flirtatious.

He became such a friend that I found myself missing him at times. Even though we only spent time together twice, this guy I met through a mutual friend manage to wiggle his way into the soft spot of my heart. But I could never tell him. Something about saying “I miss you” to him felt as if I was giving him some sort of power over me. I felt like by telling him something like that would make him think I was trying to take it to the next level.
So I didn’t. I don’t know what about him made me treat him differently than my other friends; maybe it was the fact that he was older and consequently “more experienced”, maybe it was the fact that he was so damn sexy to me and I wanted to jump his bones every time we talked on the phone. Or maybe it was the fact that he was so emotionally unavailable to me. He had made it perfectly clear that he didn’t want a relationship, and I didn’t push the issue. Whatever it was, I couldn’t tell him I missed him.

So I kept my mouth shut.

I think the major reason why I wanted him so badly was because of that kiss that never happened. It drove me crazy that he didn’t kiss me that night. And as humans, I know we crave certainty and structure. We want to be able to wake up in the morning and know a vast majority of what is going to happen that day.

But at that time, this human wanted the unknown. I craved the unknown. Because this girl’s over-active, hormone driven mind and imagination couldn’t stop thinking about how good he looked in a suit. Or how delicious he smelled. I was almost itching to know what it felt like to kiss him. I wanted to know if his lips felt at full as they looked. I wondered what type of kisser he was; if he would hold my face or my hips as he kissed me. I wondered if his eyes would cloud over or glaze over like mine after a heavy make-out session and how he would react if I grabbed his lower lip. I wondered if he would hold my hand afterwards.

I spent many a random night thinking about it (and him). But I would never tell him; because that would be weird. And a little creepy.

I think when it all comes down to it, deep down, I felt like things weren’t over between us. Not in the sense that I thought we’d date, but something, whatever it was, whatever we had- just wasn’t finished yet.

August came and I went back to LA. Two days after I touched down, I sent him a text. Conversation ensued and then 2 days later, I got a text from him.

 “We making out tonight?”

 My heart jumped.

 -D.
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