22.

birthday pic

It’s safe to say that my 21st birthday and consequent year was probably the worst year of my life. I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Hodgkin’s lymphoma, lost over 40 pounds in 30 days and could barely walk, stand and eat. I went through 6 months of chemotherapy, 2 separate blood transfusions and then lost my father in April 2013.

Fuck a golden birthday. I had waited for that year of my life since high school and it was everything that I didn’t want and more.

I went through a period of being so angry. What did I do? What did my family do to deserve this? In a matter of months, I had basically been to death and back, my family was being torn apart and then we had to start our lives over in another state. Everyone was still reeling from my sickness and then we had to deal with my dad being gone, selling our house, cars, motorcycles and getting rid of 2/3 of our possessions so we could transition into apartment living.

No one could handle living in my old house anymore. There were too many memories of EMT personnel running through my house and listening to them trying to revive my dad. So we moved to New Jersey. My brother moved to Manhattan and then when I went back to California, we were all separated from one another. I stopped talking to my roommate, a girl I had been friends with for years over a disagreement that left us both feeling disrespected.

All I want for this birthday is health, wealth and happiness. And sex, booze and orgasms.

I want to walk out of the hospital with a clean bill of health. I want to get a cancer survivor tattoo. I want to finally bury my father. I want to keep my circle of friends small and build long lasting relationships with them.

I want to care for someone besides my friends and family. I want to fall in love. For the first time in a long time, I want to open my heart to someone and not think about the consequences. I want to introduce someone to my mother. I’m not saying that I want to get married- but I want something deeper than a bullshit fuck buddy or friends with benefits relationship.

I want to look someone in the eye and call them baby. I want to be able to call someone at night just to tell them that I miss and love them. I want a birthday kiss, Christmas and Valentine’s Day present. I want a long lasting relationship that is full of respect and admiration for each other. I want to help make someone better. I want loyalty.

I just want 22 to be the complete opposite of 21. Please.

-D

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